Day #21: A Long Post for Confessions & Thoughts.
at Tuesday, June 17, 2008; 1:33 PM

Sorry for not blogging all these time, cos the internet is not up yet. I’m typing this in MS Word nw. So that I ll rmb to blog. Recently, I have been a happy girl. I haven been crying for the past 2 weeks because my beloved boyfriend told me that in his heart, I’m always his strong dear. It’s not that I have forgotten abt everything in SG. I rmb all of my friend very well, all the time we spent together and quarrels we had. Nonetheless, I have never once forgotten abt my boyfriend, Lai Kian loong. But today, 17/6/08, I broke down into tears again.

Honestly, it’s hard not to reminiscent about my life in Singapore. Yes, I miss everything. But now that I have to live here for the next @#$@% years. I have to learn and accept what this place is. Perth isn’t as bad as the way I thought abt it. It might have been I came at the right time, although technology is still behind SG, but the shopping, convenience is here nw. Perth is slow in everything they do, but I feel that there’s a place for me in this place where I don’t have in Singapore. No one would say that I’m fat, No one would say I have fat thighs, big boobs, fat ass. I feel confident here, because my cousin told me that I’m fine. I don’t feel hurt like I do when I’m in Singapore when ppl throw insults are comments of me being fat. Other than that, there are many things I have to do here, I must know how to drive, how to read a street directory, cook, save money and etc. I know I’m able to accomplish what I have to do, but I still have phobia to handle a care, I’m afraid to get lost. I do have my fears.

There are so much fear in me that sometimes I wonder if I lived my life right, or my thoughts are right. I’m afraid that I ll lose all my friends in SG, because I’m no longer there or able to contact with them, but everyone has to move on. I’m afraid of failing in this relationship because I’m afraid my boyfriend is unable to handle the loneliness, I’m afraid of having him by my side because I ll lose the freedom and privacy I have now over here. I’m afraid all the changes and effort I made to make the relationship work or the changes I made to make me a better person, a person that would fit into a clique or whatsoever, would all go down the drain. I’m tired of being someone that would not be hated, or thrown away. No matter hw hard I try, I know mostly my friends still treat me like dirt, dirt would have been too harsh, but it’s the feeling I get inside. No one would rmb me, because I was never significant. For instance, those that said would send me off, did not come. Someone who said was asking me to his birthday did not ask me to and instead ask someone else, which obviously meant that he did not intended to ask me there anyway. Someone who promised to celebrate my bday did not turn up. My boyfriend who didn’t get me any birthday present for me, 2 years straight. I wonder why do I try so hard? Because I was never even on people’s mind.

When I watched Koizora on my computer, I felt that love is so beautiful, but in reality it never was beautiful. I would have done what the girl would have done, but in the end, love only can end with tears. Love is not a holy or beautiful thing. It’s just a word, affection, a trial. But how many people can ever go thru all these shit that people have within themselves, there is no perfect love. Whenever I watch shows when the girl loses her baby, I wondered would I feel the same if I lost my own child. I definitely would want a baby of my own, but then I would wonder will I have a husband/responsible boyfriend to go thru it with me. It’s just too hard. In reality, love is selfish. A man would marry the woman he love most and a woman would marry the man who loves her the most. That’s why I despise man who don’t protect their girlfriends and make their girlfriend pay for their expenses or to be with a girl so that they can fuck-and-throw-and-showoff. I simply hate girls to hang around or date a guy because he is good-looking or rich, this are the kind of people I look down on. I’m proud to say my love and I are ugly & poor couples with simple love relationship but problematic trust issues.

FOR MY BABYBOY!

My dear ah! I miss you a lot k? I miss hearing your voice, I miss your smell, your everything! I still love u as much as always; please study hard for your exams! Sleep early & Eat proper meals. Remember that you have to work hard for yourself and me! JIAYOU K!

FOR CLARISSAONG!

Hope that QSS is a success & bless you with a godly gerie-powered body system so you won’t ever cui again!

FOR 1L01 LAW & MANAGEMENT PPL

All the best for u results in Mid-Sem Test! WORK HARD K! (hope lizards follow cass home, and ppl continue to harass wardah! :D )