Changed
at Thursday, September 25, 2008; 10:09 PM

He said i changed.
Im not longer the one he used to love.
Am I just that bad?
Is it wrong that i want to make myself look beautiful.

Yes, i lacked of my smiles.
Im trying to find it.
My looks might have changed.
But my heart has not.

Now i know.
I have been judged by looks.
Its just human nature.

You're the one that changed not me.
Give me back that one, that loved me for who i am, in the beginning.

LOST & FOUND
at Wednesday, September 24, 2008; 11:32 PM

Over, yet undone.
at ; 12:37 AM

I wonder if everything he said was true.
Sometimes, i wonder and thought about all the if-s.
If only.

But in reality it wont happen.
Im climbing up the steepest mountains.
my goal is to release it all, and gain happiness & freedom.
But every time i climb my way up.
Im stuck.
I look down, and i've seen how far i have come.
I'm scared.
The heights overwhelm me.
Like the sadness conquers me.

I am trying to reach the top.
I know its not that far.
But the moment i think about him.
I feel that its a lie when i tell myself i dont love him anymore.
I just break down and cry.
But when i think about the smses he sent, the words he used on me.
I realised it isn't love he is giving me.

Love isn't about authority.
Its about acceptance and equality.

I have walked the path he wanted me to walk.
Although i am single and free. I feel stupid that at time i still listen to the things he say.
like dress this way, dont do this and that.
I dont want it to be a habit.
I want to do things my way.
But there's a guilt in me.

What's the point of looking back?
Because looking ahead is better, right?
from his smses, i know.
His love is not there for me anymore.
No longer, forever.

Naita. Naita, Naita.....
at Friday, September 19, 2008; 4:55 PM

I realized i cant watch any touching show, cos it just makes me cry.
I couldn't understand why i cried to sleep last night.
It hurts me to know hw much he has changed.
It hurts me to see the words he used against me.
It hurts to know that i still care about him.
I dunno why, by my heart seems to be dead and numb.
i wonder why do i still cry.

I know, my heart is not with him anymore.
It feels nothing.
It feels so empty that i cant even study.
I dont feel like gaming, or goin to the net.
I cant slp, but i just wanna lie down and do nothing.
I lost my goal and direction.
I'm stressed cause i know the weightage of the following assignments will affect me.
But my mind just refuse to kick start.

I hate the struggle in myself.
Maybe i am just a crybaby, runaway from everything.
Running away.

Eventually, i will.
at Thursday, September 11, 2008; 4:06 PM

I know, it's time to move on.

I know it would had been a hard decision to break up.
I know a part of me i would regret doing so.
I know i will be upset about it for a long time.

But time has shown to me that i am just not worthy of his love and time.
Each time, i get myself occupied, trying to get back friends i lost or neglected.
Each time, i try to make new friends, i find it hard.
Cos i know, he doesn't like me to talk to guys or make guy friends.
Each time, i wanna dress well i look good.
I think twice, cos he doesn't like it as he thinks its too revealing, he sees no need to look good.
Each time, i thought i was over him.
He would sent me an sms and ask if i had made new guy friends or had a new boyfriend.
What am i in his eyes that he looked me in such a manner.

This is when i realized, i was nothing but a bitch in his eyes.
Why did i hesitate to delete our pictures?
Why did i hold on and believe that he would say he could love me for the way i am?
He just couldn't.

For all these sadness for the past 1 month.
I will, from now on, commencing this day.
I will forget about him and move on.

With no regrets.
I will live life better than it was, because i deserve it.

What would you do?
at Sunday, September 7, 2008; 8:32 PM

I'm hanging loose on the line.
I thought that i could be fine.
Indeed, i adapted to the life here.
Everything here is alright.

But when you come to realize
Time flies really fast.
My aunts are goin back singapore.
I dont have much friends in University.
I don't have my usually love as usual.
Cos i just lost my boyfriend.

I tried to pick myself together.
But i always tend to brk down and fall again.
What would you do?

I had be lying to myself to make myself happier.
Yeah, maybe my happiness was genuine or not.
i cannot determine the word genuine.

what would you do?
Move on? or Continue to live in the life you imagined it to be, to feel better?
What would you do.

I missing everything.
at Tuesday, September 2, 2008; 7:06 PM

When i listen to music in my mp3, i realized hw lonely and empty am i.

When i listen to "Me Love", i miss brenda and khairun.
When i listen to "Break the Ice" and "stop & stare" reminds me of cass, ass licking bitch.
When i listen to Paramore, reminds me of veronica.

Whenever i hear chinese songs, it reminds me of jianlun.
and would think abt the song, Lie-Lie-Lie.

Where is the time where we could all hang out and be ourselves.
Have someone to talk to, be there for u.
Looking forward to sch, meeting each other.
Arguing and confusing one another with our own understanding of the topics.

Where is the time when the words of love were true.
Where the time spent together were real.

If it was all superficial, then i would have lived my life as a fake.
Just like what i am doin now.
trying my best to be someone else, so i wont go back to my old footsteps.

I want to be smart.
I want to be pretty.
I want to be emotionless.

In short, I'm EMO.

I miss you guys.
Alot.

P.s. I miss wardah and her funny jokes and gestures. & her narcissism.